lil d

My phone is buzzing in my hand, but i don't want to answer it. i know what they'll say and i don't want to hear it. I don't want to talk to them or answer to them or pretend like they've made me feel just a little better. they won't.

I only want you and to talk to you and hear from you.

I let go for you, i had no idea where i was going to fall, but i let go. and i hoped that i'd fall where you fell, but i won't.

You're still holding on. to what?

you grease my hands and tell me to just wait.

I'm sick of waiting, because every second i wait, the further i fall. and the harder i'll hit the floor when you tell me you didn't pick me

'sorry again little d'

sorry isn't enough

I feel rough

up until a few days ago, the notion that maybe you weren't as loving and perfect as I'd always thought you were, had never crossed my mind. Before, you had always been the best person in the world, how could i survive without you, i missed you if i went on a sleepover. Now though, every thing you do seems to remind me that you perhaps aren't what I'd always pictured you to be. In my mind, the word mum is this caring, cuddly, lovely, warm, powdery, nice smelling, selfless, super duper magical thing that helps out anyone and anything that needs it. In my mind, my own mum always was.

But you're not at all, really. You don't listen, you only think about yourself, you don't laugh, you don't care, basically.

and i know what to pin it down to, i know it isn't your fault and I'm not angry at you.

I'm just disappointed that my own mind couldn't keep up the façade. and that the foundation that held me up isn't quite as strong as i thought it was.

You guys are so lucky

How can you even say that. You don't even know how good you have it, do you? You can't see how much of your life i would pay for.

You didn't even wait a week before some other good looking naive lovely boy happens you by and sweeps you off your feet. you've had strings of perfect boys clamouring for your attention, and you think i'm lucky to not have the 'hassle'

You broke up, i get it, that's hard.

Is it as hard as being lied to so many times i can't even remember them all? Probably not.

You know it all as well.

while you were at the pub with your lovely italian boyfriend as his family

i was turning down the one boy who i'd meant something to, for some wanker with nice hair, who left me the next week for my asshole of a best friend.

while you were answerign the door at nine in the morning to your local fancyman who'd turned up jsut to tlel you he loved you

i was in some strangers house with someone i'd liked for a long time who was telling me they lvoed me.

when you were drifting off to sleep

i was drifting off home after being shunted out of bed.

while you were down the river stealing perfect kisses from your popular adoring boyfriend

i was in essex with someone i had adored for months who was my best friend who i thought felt the same

the next month when you were still a happy couple

i was thinking about how nice it would be to hear from my boy ever again.

when you were blowing me off to spend the night at your boyfriends house

i was putting up with lie after lie from the same boy. the same lies three times, and i beleived every one of them.

So yeah, you're right.

I'm so lucky i haven't had to put up with breaking up with someone.

Because i don't want to turn out anything like you.

I Saved Up For You

You're like a novelty gift.

I see you in a shop window and you're shiny and new and exciting.

I save up for weeks, and i keep going back, to see if you're still there.

I get to buy you, i've waited this long, and now you're mine.

But then i lose you.

I find you occasionally, but it's never quite as satisfying as i thought it would be.

And it can only get worse.

One day i'll throw you out, but i can't bring myself to do it right now.

Even though you're pointless, and disappointing, and you look better than you are.

*****

This is such a pointless friendship, what have you ever actually done for me? You order me around like i'm your bitch, you insult me, you only talk to me if you want something. You want me to come and see you, not for me, but so you can say that you've got another girl under your thumb. You're a fucking joke i don't know why i'm still even here.

I just want to walk away and never look back, from you and you're fucking headbake of a best friend. I saved up to come and see you. And what did you do? you near enough tried to cheat on your girlfriend with me, you smoked all my bacci, your friend used me like a rag doll, and then you sent me on my way. now you expect me to do it again! You ignorant, complacent, fuck.

What's the POINT in you!

Twice

I tried to make sure so much. I was so convinced that you were genuine, i had no doubts in my mind that we'd finally get together. Just like last time.

You knew how i felt and for some reason you jsut ignored it.

You lied through your teeth to get what you wanted. Just like last time.

You know why it wouldn't have worked last time

but that's over now?

yes, that's over now, i promise

well what's going to happen in the morning?

you'll go home, I'll call you up, see what my parents say but i want you over some time this week

this isn't just some drunken thing?

no!

you actually want to be with me?

do you want to be with me?

i guess i do

that's alright then, so do i.

you thought i hated you before, you have no idea. I don't care how much of a cunt you feel, you said the exact same things and i believed you. again.

the terrifying thing is that i would keep believing you.

fuck you, i fucking hate you.

I hate / love you

I hate jumping through hoops for you

I hate treading on egg shells around you

I hate trying to impress you

I hate being the first to talk to you

I hate getting nothing whatsoever back from you

I hate getting lied to by you

I hate getting told straight by you

I hate not being with you

I hate your mood swings

But i don't, under any circumstances, no matter what i say, no matter what you say, hate you.